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HOWARD STERN: [reading from the Star magazine] "Secret private life of "Dharma & Greg" beauty"--that girl is cute! "Dharma & Greg"--
ROBIN QUIVERS: What’s her secret life?
HOWARD: I dunno, let’s see--"Perky Jenna Elfman sheds her inhibitions every week as a free-spirited yoga instructor on TV’s newest hit, ‘Dharma & Greg’. But now she’s shed a secret in real life. Jenna has gone public with her"--Oh no!--"her membership in the Church of Scientology."
ROBIN: Oh, that’s right, she IS a Scientologist.
HOWARD: Oh, yeah; she was--that was the dope that was on with Cindy Crawford doing a half hour infomercial for Scientology.
ROBIN: Yeah.
HOWARD: Oh, too bad; she’s so cute. Why does she have to be such an idiot?
[laughter]
HOWARD: "She has told that she went through the Scientologists’ controversial cleansing ritual. [in high-pitched voice]’It’s a great program; I’ve done it!’[regular voice]She used a half hour of important network television time to tell people about how great Scientology is. Gee, I sure do wish celebrities would shut up, just be cute and act in shows.
[pause]
HOWARD: [high-pitched voice]"’I haven’t had a lot of--I haven’t done a lot of drugs,’ [regular voice]said the 25-year-old blonde, [high-pitched voice]‘but I have had surgery on my ankle, so there’s a lot of painkillers and anesthesia. All of it stays in your fat cells.’"--[regular voice]Oh, God, what is she, a doctor?
ROBIN: So she had to go get one of those clearings, one of those detoxifications?
HOWARD: Yeah. [high-pitched voice]"’I felt so much lighter, I actually felt lighter. It’s amazing!’"
[laughter]
HOWARD: [regular voice]I can make her feel lighter. I have a Flesh-O-Meter. God, she must be stupid as a rock!
[laughter]
[sound effects--"Boing" sound]
HOWARD: Although I’ll tell you one thing, man, it pays to be an actor in Scientology; get in there with Travolta and Cruise.
ROBIN: Sure, you’ve got a lot of good friends; Kirstie Alley--
HOWARD: Yep, Kirstie Alley, she’s another big fat idiot--
[laughter]
[sound effect?--male voice, "Really, man!"]
ROBIN: Lisa Marie.
HOWARD: Yeah, I’d like to hang with her and do her while I do my clay table.
[laughter]
HOWARD: My clay table workout. [reading from magazine again]"A new Scientology brochure promotes their L.A. hotel, the Manor, featuring Jenna prettily posing with an E-meter."--Her name is Jenna Elfman. Hmm. Isn’t that something?--"The 5 foot 10 inch beauty"--I’ll say. She must be so stupid! God, I’d love to--
ROBIN: Aren’t you glad she’s a Scientologist?
HOWARD: I’d love to have sex with her but she’s so goddamn dumb!
[sound effect--cuckoo clock]
HOWARD: Her and--you should hear her and Cindy Crawford.
ROBIN: Kelly Preston is a Scientologist.
HOWARD: Yeah, she’s another rocket scientist. She’s with Travolta. I wonder what goes on there? I have a theory--
ROBIN: Yeah--
HOWARD: Yeah, I can’t say it or I’ll get sued.
[laughter]
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